This is my humble expression of gratitude for this Spirit “angel” who chose to work through the human being named Alicia.
A wise angel gave me some unexpected insight this week.
She asked me to take over one of her yoga classes.
This will be my first job teaching yoga again after one year of cancer treatment.
This angel woman may not even be aware of her angelic action.
She probably thought she was acting in self-service, giving herself a needed break. By giving me one of her many jobs she could have Monday mornings off. Probably a much needed rest from her extremely busy schedule!
But beneath all that reasoning, something deeply informed me that this “angel” was not acting out of self service.
She may not even be consciously aware, but her service to my soul was made complete when she (nonchalantly while smiling ear to ear) said,
“You can’t just stay up on that mountain all day”.
That’s really when it hit me.
Here, again, this woman appears just when my soul is ready to re-engage in the world and teach what I feel is the only way to express God’s essence through me.
As she did, almost exactly one year ago, when I moved into this new place.
There she was standing at the edge of my driveway with her dogs. “I hear you teach yoga”.
This “angel” always seems to appear out of nowhere just when I need her.
And this week in particular, her appearance gave me electricity, fuel and power.
Ironically, (we had a storm and lost power) and so it even gave me the power to be vulnerable.
And so, today, after visiting mom in the nursing home, I let myself feel PAIN.
I stopped pretending it was not painful to watch this.
Allowing myself to be aware of my mind’s incessant intellectualizing, arguing in my own mind why we put dogs down and not people, and blaming the ‘systems’, the drugging of these elderly people to keep them quiet and controlled, and being angry at my mom for letting herself go, not taking good physical care of herself. Rationalizing away all the guilt feelings I have, even though guilt is never a true thought at all. Blaming myself for her being here. Blaming her for giving up. None of these ideas holding any truth, but allowing the thoughts to come to surface and be felt with emotions through my humanness.
After my visit, I was sitting in the car, in the pouring rain, allowing myself to sob, holding my head in my hands and just feeling the sorrow, the pain, the disappointment, the horror.
Strangely, such an orgasmic crying. A real release.
A witnessing from an inner place of gnosis, watching Janet be a human being.
A witnessing from an inner place of gnosis, watching Janet be a human be-ing.