Last week I went Christmas shopping. Having purchased not a single gift up till now, this was a huge endeavor seven days prior to the holiday. But I braved the 17–degree temps.
Probably not too wise of a decision.
I thought, I should be nurturing my immune-compromised blood levels during “week-off” chemotherapy
But I’m resolute; I gotta bring gifts for the grandkids and family members.
My habituated determination …. I recognize it. It’s laughable. Hard to change lifetime convictions.
Thankfully, the opposite pole of persistence arose simultaneously, and the desire to self-nurture endured.
A 30-minute drive to Milford, PA ahead, I decided to lose myself in a podcast. Its auspicious title beckoned my attention, “The Search for Enlightenment” by Rupert Spira.
Kind of ridiculous having heard this talk a gazillion times in every imaginable form – from Nisargadata to Ramana to Krishnamurti to Adyashanti ad infinitum …. As if I might hear something new.
Unexpectedly, Mr. Spira’s articulation on this topic smashed my heart open – in an exceptionally beautiful, frigid, sun beaming off icicle moment on a country road in Northeastern PA.
Perhaps my lowering WBC count assisted in opening my heart a little deeper this time?
I bawled like a puppy for her mother. You know when you’re alone in the car, and you can sob so loud it hurts?
Ranks right up there with an incredible orgasm.
Here’s the part that broke the dam of uncontrollable tears:
Rupert: You’ve recognized that who you essentially are now is ever-present, never hurt or tarnished by experience, never disturbed, it needs nothing.
What more do you want?
Questioner: (I can’t trust that the wanting will stop)
Rupert: What are you wanting?
If you have found that in yourself which is inherently peaceful and has no sense of lack, what are you lacking?
Questioner: (There’s nothing I lack)
Rupert: The wanting will only stop when you recognize that you ARE what you WANT.
The Anusara invocation I have chanted for a decade reverberated in my heart, and I recalled how near this knowledge is, how it has remained engrained in my heart.
Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I honor God, the Nature of Being, The Teacher within.
Satchidananda Murtaye: ITS essence is Truth, Consciousness, and Bliss.
Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: IT is always present and full of peace.
Niralambaya Tejase: It is completely free and radiates from the heart with a divine luster.
Enjoy the video, tissues recommended.