movement and rest

What an intense week. For most humans on this planet, the chaos is felt. It is disconcerting, for me, to witness the insanity on so many levels.

Daily, I must remind myself to look at this from a higher perspective.

To imagine I’m seeing the whole puzzle from an aerial view … to soften and widen my narrow, small-minded personal viewpoint.

This higher looking – that I must remind myself to practice – always draws out a more compassionate understanding.

But I am not adept yet. Far from it.

In fact, I’ve been falling apart frequently.

This falling apart is something I’m not normally accustomed to, and so it has been extremely unnatural for me to “lose it

The first of emotional breakdowns happened earlier this week …

I was forced to have a Covid nose swab at MSK prior to a radiation simulation. Having been there every single week for the past year without this test, I was infuriated at the complete lack of logic to insist I have the test now. My disbelief and distrust in the accuracy of the testing process only worsened the matter for me.

My rebellious resistance against nonsensical, man-made rules and regulations that infringe upon my natural God-given freedom.

I could have said NO to the swab test. But then I’d not be able to be simulated for the scheduled radiation treatment my doctors recommended, which I had finally agreed to do.

SO I LET THEM DO IT.

How I hated myself for that. For sacrificing my beliefs. For consenting to what felt like a violation of my rights. For giving in.

From my toes to the crown of my head, I became inflated with rage, with self loathing.

Standing in the parking lot I cried out loud, God, please take me now, I don’t want to live on this earth anymore.

My husband witnessed this. This poor man who has stood by my side through the entire cancer drama. Watching his wife have a breakdown over what appeared to him nothing to be upset about.

“Do you think you’re the ONLY ONE with cancer here?” Was his attempt to snap me back to some sort of reality.

I was behaving like a crazy woman.

You don’t understand. This is against everything I believe.

***

That day my entire being was shook to the core. It was 24 hours before I regained some emotional balance. Only to fall back down again today.

I DID IT AGAIN!

I consented.

I signed the consent form to the MSK Trial for Clinical Research.

I’ll do it, but hear me, this is it, I’m done. After this, no more.”

“Okay, Jan, I’m with you. I agree and will support your decision to quit after this.”

But all I could think was, What am I doing? Have I gone completely fucking insane? How could I let myself do this again? A fucking science experiment, a lab rat!

***

The view from above … boy did I lose it.

I let myself get lost and sucked into the personal mind’s drama and the global mind’s propaganda.

God, please help us see from your clear view above. From your perfectly balanced seat of movement and rest.

One thought on “movement and rest

  1. Dear Janet

    What an intense week it was. I have been having some similar thoughts , and am thinking that no matter what is going on for all of us, there is this underlying sense of fear, anger and trauma , and it has gone on for too long now and we are worn down and exhausted.

    So many of my staff shared in a meeting last week how cloudy and worried they felt. All of them shared that they were exhausted.

    I have been reading , again , The Book of Awakenings . Yesterday’s excerpt was entitled “When we Squint” and the opening sentence of reflection was this :

    “And when we squint we think we see like a tiger, while the truth like the sun spills everywhere but through our slits.”

    I have these seemingly impossible obstacles right now in my new job. I am not afraid to say “I don’t know how to do this , so please show me, “ but my bosses don’t know how to overcome the technological challenges either , nor do their bosses. So my colleagues and I have had to come together and share what we do know and then on our own we are each coming up with what will work for us to overcome the obstacles in order to bring some joy and support to students , families snd teachers in our individual school placements.

    It’s been exhausting .

    On a good day I have been able to sleep through the night, taken both my adrenal fatigue fighters and gaba calm , and of course maintained both cardio work and my yoga practice. Meditation is a must.

    One of my colleagues shared in the group TEAMS chat that he’d had to meditate three times to get through that day.

    I have literally had similar days , especially if I’ve been sleeping poorly.

    I sometimes truly cannot go on snd just need to lay down and do sivasana. Recalibrate. Thank goodness for working at home.

    Those are the good days …mostly of which I am having.

    I have been losing it also from time to time. And have noticed that sometimes something from out of the blue just rubs me the wrong way and I must , must, must have my “no.”

    “No I will not go to that meeting. I’m sick of meetings and I’ve decided that it’s not fair to make me go to these insipid meetings”

    No , I will not drive you to school any more because you are acting like a teenager . (And thank God she is now…:) )

    Sometimes I justify that railing helps me to find the balance, and sometimes I’m just being crazy.

    I have no answers , only observations . And that has to be enough I guess.

    May we all have an easier week next week. Thank you for always giving me an opportunity to open my eyes and my thoughts .

    I love you Janet Gabriela Sent from my iPhone

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