Joy and Sadness

Sometimes I go into the bathroom to bury my face into the bath towel

So I can sob without being heard

This SADNESS

It’s a strange thing.

Why am I feeling it so strongly?

What is sadness?

Perhaps without sadness we could never really know JOY.

I’ll go with that.

I’ll take the high road.

The gift of knowing real joy.

As hard as it is to swallow that you’re more near death than you were before

the blessing comes in it’s gift of growing closer to God.

And the people in your life.

Who you care so much about.

To know it’s time to tell them how you really feel.

How much you love them.

Regardless of the pain or anguish they may have brought into your lives.

It’s time.

To feel the sadness with all your heart.

So that you can enJOY the experiences you have left with loved ones.

I really know that now.

The angels are hovering over me to help me see it clearly.

It’s the Love God gave You to find within You and joyously share with others

Everything else is really all bullshit.

I pray for the Strength to fully Be that Being of Light.

God’s Voice

The long ride home

after the news

a knowing arose within me

that I had to finally face life

as it IS

in order to fully face death

was it coincidence our granddaughter arrived for her summer visit

precisely on the day I would learn that my body was failing?

I doubt it

Divine, it’s all divine timing

Her 13-year-old innocence brought a needed distraction

She would sit in the front seat with Papa

so I could sit in the back

(and quietly cry to myself)

Until God spoke to me

Listen to me and open your heart to my Loving Guidance

That’s when His Voice came through

In the songs

on Briana’s I-phone playlist coming through the car speakers

Each song with it’s own profound message for me to hear

WE ARE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY, SHINE LIKE A DIAMOND

Yes, I know, dear God, I know, but how often I forget

THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME FOR ….. YOU, YOU, YOUUUUU

I guess so, for You to Live through me and teach me how to BE MySelf

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO?

Oh, I am willing now, to face my life AS IT IS. To stop the trivial nonsense of self judgements and expectations, to end the obsessive desire to control, and to BE HERE for all that arises in my path and offer my full self to IT.

JUST WANNA KEEP CALLING YOUR NAME ‘TIL YOU COME BACK HOME

I hear you, sweet Lord. I am ready when you will have me back.

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE

SHINE A LIGHT THROUGH AN OPEN DOOR

This place is pretty bleak, even among all it’s natural beauty, we humans have fucked it up royally, haven’t we? Yet we still find LOVE when we open our hearts and allow Your Light to shine through

I smiled to myself,

God’s Voice is Everywhere

My Yoke is easy

Transition states are abundant

I think all of us here on planet earth would agree

For me, the presentation of illness

life-threatening illness

has fast-tracked my perception to a transition state of awareness

an awareness that this body will surely die

maybe sooner than later

and still at times the transition state of the collective world is even more disturbing than the threat of my own body death

SO I LOOK UPWARDS

Always looking up, to a place where my heart seemingly lifts out of my flesh body

Where a Place of Peace really does Exist

I heard this scripture a million times

But never understood

Until now

Now that I’m no longer able to be who I thought I was

The new me

has arrived in the transition state

of a failing flesh suit

In which my habits of old can no longer exist

with less and less reason to hold on to what’s not Good and not True

and to find PEACE

In this scripture I learn to remember that it’s Always there for us

As I finally heard the meaning of the yoke and the burden

True Blue, raspberry tincture

Medical marijuana ramblings at 2 AM

Is this what it feels like to live in your head? God, get me the Fuck out of here.

This is not my mind, is it? I must be F-ing crazy. I roll over a thousand times pulling the sheets with me, and my darn cat plopped on my legs gets tossed from side to side.

Lord, have Mercy on me. Lord, have mercy on me. Lord, have mercy on me.

What were the best moments?

A million run through me. Like moving pictures.

And then all the faces. Every one of them I’ve ever known or seen.

LORD, teach me to pray. LORD, teach me to pray. LORD, teach me to pray.

Sitting on my mat I pray, There I am. In my picture mind. In my beauty.

Om namah shivaya, gurave. Sat chit ananda, murtaye. Nichprapanjaya shantaya. Nira lambaya tejase. Ohm. Ohm. Ohm.

Have I gone crazy? Maybe I’ve always been.

Please God, teach me to pray.

Then I see his face.

For who he truly is.

Not God, but my relationships here on earth. All the male ones. And then the female ones too.

And their words replay in my mind’s ear. And I am able to hear through the words.

LORD, let me remember the peace that surpaseth all understanding.

And I realize all that I heard. It was the same calling. From every one of those faces, every one of them.

All saying the same thing:

I WANT TO SHINE AND BE BEAUTIFUL. IF EVEN FOR A MOMENT.

Why?, I ask.

BECAUSE I WANT TO BE LOVED.

and like Angels, one day, they do.

Water

I checked my phone for the weather in Lackawaxen.

“No rain for the rest of the day, just cloudy,” I said to my husband. “Let’s take our walk.”

We got about half-way around the big U-shaped dirt road. It started raining. Slow at first, but then real heavy. We laughed and tried to shelter under tree branches.

At least I had my hiking rain jacket with a hood, so I didn’t get as soaked as Frank, who was wearing shorts and a cotton shirt.

Lesson learned …

Maybe we’ve all been programmed to rely too much on technology? (LOL, no kidding!)

Although the science of weather forecast, observing, analyzing and predicting, is one we’ve been able to get better at – it will NEVER suffice to know what’s beyond our control and understanding.

Like the Nature of Creation.

Creation is way beyond our real understanding. We can only use symbols to allude to its unfathomable and infinite BEING.

As I laughed and sang in the rain, I contemplated …

How awesome is this Creation?

How amazing is our Creator?

A Creator Always conspiring to open our hearts to God’s Truth

Everything in Nature is showing us that God is the Only Truth

As I laughed and sang in the rain, I prayed .;..

May we find remembrance and remain hopeful that we’ve not gone so far into forgetfulness that we’re beyond return.

May we remember that Science is about measurement and predictions of matter but that God is the Source of Matter.

May we never forget to honor the Mystery of Divinity in every waking moment of our lives.

May we remember the Divinity of Nature and always be in Awe.

May we remember to laugh and to sing in the rain.

The Spiritual Meaning of Water:

Be the diamond

The video below is such a beautiful articulation of our relationship to the Creator.

This is not a plug for any particular esoteric belief system, it just happens to speak volumes to what my own experience is when I actually place my attention on “Being the Diamond” or as I’ve stated in my own way as Being Love.

I’m sharing this podcast to extend that shine, and inspire others to practice knowing their own perfection in Connection with the Creator.

There are so many gems to hear if you can listen for 48 minutes. Here are just a few:

Video time around 17:21:

‘“Anything that is not that diamond; that is NOT you”

(i.e.; our egoic self – 5-sense-controlled personal self is NOT that diamond, but instead it is the evil/sinner, false belief in separation from God, the opponent)

“My job is to identify what is NOT the diamond and remove it from my life”

22:24:  “Why do we have shame? Because we forgot the Creator

26:18 “The process is the purpose.”

On a personal note, tomorrow I start my “first” chemo treatment in 5 months of being on chemo holiday; this comes after a 33 day round of intense proton therapy radiation. I am laughging at the idea of it being my “first” chemo treatment; after all, I’ve had a total of 52 chemo infusions in the past 3-1/2 years.

However, this idea about Being the Diamond has shined a light on this experience that was not visible to me before …

Every moment is “the first” and potentially “the last” in which we have a choice … how will I learn/experience/grow/give/love and recognize my infinite potential of becoming the diamond?

Dear God, help me to remember to Be the Diamond. This prayer will be with me all day tomorrow. And I pray, to be with me in each and every moment ….

natural

NATURAL

A picture memory appears in my mind…

The movie Mrs. Doubtfire. When the bus driver notices her hairy knee and says, “Natural, healthy, just the way God made ya.”

As I take my morning bath, I observe the soft hairs growing on my shins.

I’ve lost ALL of my body hair so many times through endless chemotherapy infusions. But after a deliberate 2-month chemo holiday my hair is finally growing back.  I’m grateful to see my body’s ability to grow hair again! I sense a feeling of natural health, just the way God made me.

(Simultaneously, I know that my well being is not dependent upon the state of my physical body).

After a few deep breaths I contemplate the question,

What is NATURAL?

And I notice my mind’s tendency to want to find an answer; but I know from a deeper level that the answer doesn’t exist through my thinking process.

In fact, I also know from a deeper level that NO ANSWERS exist through the thinking processes. So why do I keep going there?

A few more deep breaths. I contemplate the deeper knowing that shows up as an intuitive feeling, and I simply open my heart to listen …

Something informs me … IT Says,

You are a sacred Being.

Every part of your body, even the cells that your human eye cannot observe.

And there is no separation from what is within to what appears to be outside.

This sacredness is the Only quality that comes close to an accurate understanding of the word Natural.

And when you remember and feel and honor and acknowledge that sacredness – down to the last hair on your body  – you are in a state of connection with God as you are made to BE.

Why would you want to alter/change/improve upon/fix/intellectualize this Natural and sacred state of Being that you are?

What could you possibly Know more than this unfathomable Force of Creation that Made you?

That is the question I want you to ask yourself every time you get lost in thought and indecision.

Remember and recognize that through your intellect you have the ability to control and manipulate and profit and alter Life to your preferences  – but you also have the ability to seek action based on the higher purpose of what is Sacred and Natural, to serve something other than your own personal mind’s agenda.

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God.

Matthew 6:32-34

soul

“The soul is a part of man which is little known and only seldom realized. Every one may have access to the soul. It lies deep within the recesses of our own being. Desire for the higher attainments of life is the first requisite; and then a continuous turning within until the goal has been attained. a good start may be made through the realization of the truth that there is even more to human existence than corporeal health and material supply. When we catch a glimpse of the fact that more dollars, homes or automobiles do not constitute supply, that more travel does not constitute recreation; that absence of illness is not necessarily health; in other words; that ‘my Kingdom is not of this world’ we are going in the right direction to discover the realm of Soul.”

The Infinite Way, Joel S. Goldsmith

A few days ago it appeared. Outside my back door window there it was. Ridiculously obvious, but it’s message evaded me at first. Only the heart shape caught my immediate attention. Each morning I return to observe the “opening” in the outside snow through my window. Perhaps it will change? Or maybe it will disappear? How could that possibly look so perfectly heart-shaped?

As a result of the two feet of snowfall, my entire backyard pond has disappeared, and all that remains is a heart-shaped opening – almost like a breathing hole for the fish in the pond. (of note, we do have a pump running to keep oxygen for the fish, but that’s on the other end of the pond).

So each morning I return to admire and inquire of this “opening”, What is it you’re showing me?

Today it replied…

You are finding purpose here. Although it feels painful at times, like you’re going insane, and experiencing a complete breakdown of anything you once believed in, your purpose here is becoming more true. The true part comes alive when you trust your intuition that this material world manifestation you’re perceiving is only one reflection of the Truth of Life. Everything is that hole. Everything. An infinite potentiality of Creation beyond your wildest thoughts.

It continued to explain…

You know absolutely nothing through your thinking mind. Every time you feel sure of your rightness – you fall again, back into ignorance. Instead, let yourself fall into that infinite hole of Truth, the hole that is Creation Itself. There is nothing you can think that will change or alter IT. Trust IT. Place all of your faith in IT. Give your heart to IT. IT is infinitely connected through your Soul. Trust IT, Janet. It does not require belief in anything here in the material world.

It feels like I’ve always known this. Somewhere so deep that it easily gets lost in the muck of indoctrinated, learned perceptions.

But, thank God, not so deep that it is lost. The miracle is that the Soul’s purpose is infinitely present, and if we seek it – it can appear in unimaginable ways.

my prayer song

(sung to music from Give Me Love, George Harrison)

speak through me

help me see

through this heavy veil                              

free my mind

keep me kind

show me how to love

Let me serve

teach me truth, in this crazy world

feeling lost, it’s so dark that my

spirit dies      

Om m m m m m m m m m m
M m m my lord …

Please pry open my eyes so

I might truly see   

Oh yes See, oh yes See

forgive me    

forgive us     

let us live our truth  

teach us how           

to be free,     

keep us without fear           

learning to,

Hear your voice, in this noisy world   

learning to, trust and know You through

Love and Light        

Om m m m m m m m mm

M m m my lord …

knowledge

Today’s contemplation …

Step 115: Today I will listen to the Power of Knowledge: Upon the hour, remind yourself to listen to Knowledge and take a moment to do so in whatever circumstance you find yourself. Steps to Knowledge, Marshall Vian Summers

I’ve begun to realize that Knowledge is always available. When we remove ourselves from the incessant wanting (desire) to possess something that is impossible to grasp (Absolute Truth), the pointers are in everything that IS.

Upon becoming still and open-hearted, placing one’s attention on receiving (hearing, seeing, feeling), IT presents Itself in infinite forms.

I don’t claim any religious belief as the only way, and I don’t claim any intellectual belief as the only way. In fact, I don’t claim any belief as “the way.”

Perhaps that’s one of my pitfalls to Knowledge. I’m open to everything that invokes Wisdom (knowledge).

Today, I found Wisdom in both of these seemingly opposing perspectives; a Neoplatonist and an Hasidic rabbi. Knowledge is found in infinite forms – always pointing to the same Truth.

(entirety of talks are linked below the quotations)

“Some people only study physical phenomena. They slice it up and stick it in a microscope and that’s all they know. That’s all well and fine, but a true rounded person is interested in the totality of cosmic mechanics, what is and what is not, and how the universe works – is interested, as the greatest and wisest minds were, definitively, undeniably, interested in both physics and metaphysics, which are in totality a holos, just a one. You know a coin is not a head or a tail, it’s the coin and the silver of the coin, so these are not two different things.” 

Ken Wheeler

“Love is a tricky word. We don’t need to be told to love ourselves, we need to be told to share some of the love we have for ourselves. That’s the whole code of morality. You love yourself, can you give a little away? All your natural instincts are not meant for you . That is a huge lesson in life.

***   We are taught that study is extremely important, why?  So then you can teach. Even studying is not for yourself it’s so you can teach. Knowledge, information, wisdom, very important because then you can share it. Get yourself healthy, so you can turn your attention to others.

Rabbi Manis Friedman

heart cloud photo credit: Annette Adams