belief

I was enjoying a talk by Bill Donohue. Just love the guy. His passion, his authenticity.

I was listening while driving, and something he said affected me, unexpectedly, kind of a Zen slap. (I’ll share the transcript below for context).

What happened was, I had an unexpected realization about how I’ve always believed something that is totally untrue. Just a man-made concept. Nothing to do with Reality as it actually is. And how this belief has affected my entire life (and continues to do so).

It was the simple realization that the 7 days of the week are entirely a made up idea based on an ancient understanding and a collectively consciously agreed upon “fact.” This blew my mind in the instant that I heard Bill talk about it.

Sounds stupid, I know. But as soon as the words came out of his mouth, it hit me as if I saw that moment in an entirely new light. Like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I could really be FREE and actually LIVE in each moment – because that’s the ONLY thing that really exists.

One never knows the time or the place when that little opening of enlightenment will allow you to see everything new again.

I’m grateful to have had many such openings in my lifetime, and each one brings me a little closer to joy, to grace, to realization, to truth, to love.

Thank you, Bill Donohue.

895 Ascension of Buddha, Bill Donahue: (excerpt)

(28:21): “The number 7 means divine intervention

It’s kind of the biblical lucky number because they only knew of 7 planets at that time

That’s why you have 7 days of the week

If they knew we had two other planets out there you’d have 9 days of the week.

All of your weekdays are named after the constellations.

That’s why you have 12 months of the year because of the 12 signs of the zodiac.

The whole thing’s astrology, how can you get away from it?

What are you going to have 13 months of the year?

The first page of the bible, it talks about the stars in the sky:

And let them be for signs and for seasons …..

Well then if it says the stars are for signs, Wouldn’t you think you should find out what the stars mean?”

Alone I know nothing

Yes, I admit, I know absolutely nothing when it comes to the Truth of this Reality.

I have to recognize that each time I forget.

Otherwise, I am just deluded.

The persona, Janet, which I embody, seems to be a mind/body/spirit complex Being who believes she is separate from What Always Is.

But she’s Not separate in Actuality.

And that’s where the Knowing comes in. And this is how Knowing showed up for me:

In February 2019 after my breast reconstruction surgery (post 2 years of “successful” breast cancer treatment), I began to have signals – feelings, big surges of desire for change, deep disappointment with my current state of affairs in every aspect.

It felt like an alien took over my body/mind complex and was informing me to make major life changes. At times, I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown.

It really did feel alien, because I’m typically very tolerant, an empathetic sort who deals with anger/judgmental emotions in a way that sets the feelings aside through deep contemplation of how to engage forgiveness and acceptance.

But this “alien” showed up and said in my head’s voice, “Fuck this. I’m done. I can’t live like this anymore.”

I felt possessed. I couldn’t stop the feelings, and the voice in my head was insistent.

This alien visitor (coincidentally?) appeared exactly at the time I began experiencing pain in the breast reconstruction area…..

This pain presented as sharp, burning, electric jolts of pain. This was in March directly after the February 25 surgery.

The alien informed me, “Get out of this marriage relationship and run far away, free yourself from the family drama and incessant codependent relationships you are witnessing.  Leave it all behind.  Get a van, live in it, and travel across county. Find out who you are.”

The alien voice further insisted, “It’s time to quit all these yoga jobs. You’re running around like a chicken without a head, wasting gas and time for piddling compensation, not to mention you’re exhausted. You no longer feel inspired to teach yoga, but required. And that’s not how you used to feel.”

I listened.

In April, the most grueling words I’ve ever felt forced to voice somehow came out of my mouth, and I informed my husband of 30 years, “I think we should separate from each other.”

Next, I gave my notice to 3 out 4 of my yoga employers. I would be taking a long term sabbatical from teaching yoga for personal/health reasons.

It was now May, and my pain turned into a visible rash on the skin of my right breast. The doctors guessed, Shingles?

In June my radiation Oncologist saw my growing, worsening rash, looked at me with a face of horror, and said, “I don’t think this is shingles. You need a biopsy.”

During all of this, my husband and I talked, yelled, cried, shared, but ultimately came to agreement that our relationship was worth working at….. together.. .We agreed to hold on to the foundation of love beneath all the dysfunctional and difficult stuff that has arisen.

Still experiencing burning pain, I couldn’t even keep the one yoga job I had held onto, and I asked for time off due to the painful rash. 

On June 18, my husband’s birthday, I had a skin biopsy. The result: Recurrent breast cancer in the skin.

In July, my PET scan result was: Inflammatory breast cancer metastasized to skin.

In August, it was confirmed that my disease is stage 4, incurable, and chemotherapy along with any eligibility for trials would be my best option and hope for remission.

And so I contemplate ……..

  • Did the “Alien” KNOW I had cancer before I did?
  • Did the “Alien” inform my actions based on the KNOWLEDGE that I needed healing through self love?
  • Did the “Alien” show up as actual cancer cells to bring me to my knees in surrender so that I could focus first on service to self, which automatically will then develop into service to others?

I feel inclined to believe that this thing I refer to as the Alien is Life Itself (God).

Does that mean God is the cancer too? I think so.

And although in this realm we perceive what happens as good or bad, this Alien Voice, Life Itself, God is NEUTRAL, but in Unseen Reality the inevitable result is always for the highest good…… something we cannot perceive or know.

And although Janet Alone cannot KNOW the highest good, when Connected to Source she can allow what Life Itself intends to live through her.

 Today’s prayer:

 Allow me to fulfill my purpose, whatever that may be.

mission

I have a mission to fulfill.

Don’t we all?

I recognize for an instant the connection of consciousness as One.

It’s only an instant. Pouf, it’s gone. I forget again.

Instead, I focus on the sharp stings in my chest, my armpit. I cringe. Fucking pain. Fucking cancer. The skin on my chest is so hideous I look like a freak show. And it hurts like a mother F-er.

Take another pill. Ha, me who never took an aspirin. Now I need a narcotic to get through the night.

Oh, she loves to pity herself doesn’t she?

Then I snap back.

I have a mission to fulfill.

Seriously. This mission is so important that it’s the ONLY thing that really matters.

And I’ll never get to KNOW what the mission is.

Maybe the mission will be revealed after this body is gone.

Or maybe it won’t.

It doesn’t matter.

It’s an INFINITE mission.

And we are ALL fulfilling it.

the way

there’s no “right” way

and no “wrong” way

embrace the contradictions

ask the questions, the important ones

like ‘what is this about?’

but have no expectations that the answer will be comprehensible

because the answers will not be for your mind to grasp onto

the answers will be in

the morning light,

the mosquito’s bite,

a birds song,

a plan gone wrong,

fire’s fury,

a hung jury,

winter’s chill,

and pickle’s dill

the hummingbird’s flight

the lovers’ fight

poker game win

drunk on gin

singing out loud

drenching rain cloud

dancing like a fool

breaking the rule

smiling at your child

flowers growing wild

screaming in rage

a minimum wage

crashing the Mercedes

going out with the ladies

the very last breath

fearless of death

The WAY is only yours to have

yours to embrace, heart and soul, moment by moment, its beauty and its filth, all of it.

So, living and following The Way of Knowledge does not make things look different. You will still have good days and bad days. You will still have days when you feel certain of what you are doing, and you will have days when you are uncertain. You will still cry and get angry. You will still do silly things. You will still make mistakes. But while all this is going on, something else is growing within you and becoming more powerful, more real and more evident. There is the great garden growing—the garden of Knowledge. There is a fire burning within you—the Fire of Knowledge. It is growing, day by day.
The great change that you will experience will be unlike the big sensations that people usually call self-transformation. The real change happens deep within you. You don’t usually see it happening, but you do notice the results. As time passes, you start to feel differently about certain things, not because anyone has told you to do so. It’s just something you feel. Time passes, and your values change. You begin to take refuge in the truth rather than attempt to escape from it. You seek quiet more and more as gross stimulation becomes a great aggravation. You look for different things in yourself and in others. You become more aware of the subtle interactions between people. You are more affected by the mental environment and more sensitive to it. You begin to value truth and understanding more than possessions and pleasurable sensations.”
Marshall Vian Summers

life’s greater purpose

it’s Not about me

AND

it’s ALL about me

How can I serve the greater whole?

How can I (the me)

serve the

greater whole (the not me)?

a CIRCLE illustrates that perfectly

Thinking Mind will not come to understand or see this Truth.

But something will clearly express it in our lives, when we open our hearts to allow it to be revealed.

It will always show up in a way that is unexpected. It may feel undeserved, unfair, unholy, unthinkable. But that is only the interpretation of the smaller thinking (me) mind.

Life’s greater purpose is Always working through us. No matter how it appears on the surface.

morning meditation

Light moves in and out water dropping from sky

It looks like rain 

but it’s just the wind shaking water off the leaves

I’m awake to see through my eyes

Quietly

I’m Aware

I contemplate, Where am I?  …..

Am I Really?

Until I know that

I know nothing

It’s just seeing trees, rain, birds, sunlight, out my window

Nothing is what I think it is

It’s beautiful

Everything is so much more than what
I think it is

But really I know nothing

Somehow I know everything 

Plasma

“Fixed constructs keep us from experiencing the fluidity of reality which contains the abundance and connections that we long for on this journey.  You must ask yourselves in each moment, What am I programming?” Jenny Schiltz
 
My contemplation in the garden was insightful today.

I felt the plasma-like substance that Jenny Schiltz talks about in her recent blog post.  Yes, indeed. I do agree, this plasma is programmable.

But this is what I saw today:

This plasma is YOU and ME.  (you can substitute the word God for plasma if you prefer)

It is the very fascia of our being and all of what we perceive as planet Earth.

Who programs this plasma? YOU and ME.

Our thoughts program the plasma.

Think of a fractal. The way it is infinitely the same above and below, a spiraling infinity of as above so below, but there’s really no separation of above and below. We just can’t see above and below.

We only see the level of our own conscious awareness in each moment – which is reflected into the plasma that we perceive as outside of us.

But this plasma is already programmed for eons to hide the reality of this fluid movement of energy so that we are unaware, unconscious, and disbelieving of its power within each of us.

Can we un-program our plasma, or re-program it?

The infinite layers of stuck and programmed ideas, beliefs, and indoctrinated behaviors is the plasma that’s playing the current movie feature called Life on Earth.

YOU and I create this.

How did I envision this today?

I witnessed the natural behaviors of the living things;

Kale grown from tiny seedlings
Ants creating pathways through the dirt
Deep-rooted grass weeds, so hard to pull
Soft clover yielding easily to my touch.

IT knows. Life showed me. IT pointed directly to the nature of reality that I AM, and I listened.

Simultaneously, I felt the burning pain in my right breast from the Shingles virus, a condition I’ve manifested over the past several months. 

This stinging pain said to me,
You are transforming, Janet. You are always becoming and always being. Forever connected to truth, even when you don’t see it clearly. This body will only show you what your mind thinks. Good or bad.  It will always mirror your thoughts.

I AM plasma.