Way before I began delving into Advaita Vedanta and nondual teachings of all sorts, I often had a thought – an idea – a feeling,
What if I AM really infinity? Holy shit, how horrifying.
It’s a scary thought … to imagine that you’ll exist forever.
Who wants to live forever? (Not here anyway)
On the other hand, there’s the human fear of death.
Holy shit, I’m going to die. I won’t exist anymore.
Which is more terrifying:
living forever or not existing at all?
Over a decade of existential introspection and contemplation, I’ve never found a concrete answer.
In fact, I don’t think that the purpose of IS-NESS is to find an answer to anything.
This HUMAN BEING is the only ‘thing’ we’ve got.
It appears as a hard cold fact. Skin and bones. But, for sure, this solid ‘thing’ ain’t anything close to IS-NESS. This concrete form is like a Xerox duplicator for the Mind. You think, you imagine, and Voila, it shows itself! The mind is the duplicator, the body is the copy.
Which Mind is the Original?
The closest I’ve come to feeling intimate with knowing the “Original” was when I briefly experienced a merging of Subject and Object during meditation. And everything in time stopped. And the meaning of One Mind became clear. (still not an answer, only an intuitive feeling)
The other time was when I was like 10 years old walking home from school and suddenly observed myself as the observer – I turned my attention back on attention Itself. I was only 10 so I didn’t really comprehend the depth of that experience, but I never lost the perfume it left on my consciousness.
At the present time, I’ve got this cancer thing going on. And, naturally, I’ve contemplated the reality of not living in this body anymore. I’ve wasted a little time wondering why this thing called cancer exists, and what it really is. But the inquiry usually leads me nowhere.
Subject – Object
A vicious cycle. For a non-existent answer.
So now, let’s contemplate this … the photo that inspired this contemplation. (thanks to talented photographer, Jena Vignola)
There’s a background, an All-ness, the neutral-colored wall in the photo above.
There’s a pink sink and pink mirror frame. Let’s imagine Original Creation is the neutral-colored background Wall. The pink sink and mirror frame are the Objects floating in a sea of it’s Creator’s all-encompassing neutrality. But there’s a mirror. There’s an opportunity for even the Creator’s copy to look into the mirror to see it’s object self and contemplate, What am I?.
The Object and the Subject have never really become separate from one another. That’s the illusion.
Why? Why would Creation play such a ridiculous game?
Does it want to keep BEING itself and SEEING itself and FEELING itself again and again and again? …….
Is it’s devotion to ITSELF an INFINITE, never-ending and unfathomable experience to the lowly OBJECT it has created?
Again, no answer. Just an intuitive imaginative image:
The OBJECT is only a thought in the MIND of GOD. But even those words are insufficient.
Maybe just the photo suffices … a splash of color showing itself on the background of neutrality.
It only wants to experience ITSELF… and look back to see what it looks like.
You heard that I said to you, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you. If you loved me, you would rejoice that I am going to the Father, for the Father is great than I am’. John 14:28