movement and rest

What an intense week. For most humans on this planet, the chaos is felt. It is disconcerting, for me, to witness the insanity on so many levels.

Daily, I must remind myself to look at this from a higher perspective.

To imagine I’m seeing the whole puzzle from an aerial view … to soften and widen my narrow, small-minded personal viewpoint.

This higher looking – that I must remind myself to practice – always draws out a more compassionate understanding.

But I am not adept yet. Far from it.

In fact, I’ve been falling apart frequently.

This falling apart is something I’m not normally accustomed to, and so it has been extremely unnatural for me to “lose it

The first of emotional breakdowns happened earlier this week …

I was forced to have a Covid nose swab at MSK prior to a radiation simulation. Having been there every single week for the past year without this test, I was infuriated at the complete lack of logic to insist I have the test now. My disbelief and distrust in the accuracy of the testing process only worsened the matter for me.

My rebellious resistance against nonsensical, man-made rules and regulations that infringe upon my natural God-given freedom.

I could have said NO to the swab test. But then I’d not be able to be simulated for the scheduled radiation treatment my doctors recommended, which I had finally agreed to do.

SO I LET THEM DO IT.

How I hated myself for that. For sacrificing my beliefs. For consenting to what felt like a violation of my rights. For giving in.

From my toes to the crown of my head, I became inflated with rage, with self loathing.

Standing in the parking lot I cried out loud, God, please take me now, I don’t want to live on this earth anymore.

My husband witnessed this. This poor man who has stood by my side through the entire cancer drama. Watching his wife have a breakdown over what appeared to him nothing to be upset about.

“Do you think you’re the ONLY ONE with cancer here?” Was his attempt to snap me back to some sort of reality.

I was behaving like a crazy woman.

You don’t understand. This is against everything I believe.

***

That day my entire being was shook to the core. It was 24 hours before I regained some emotional balance. Only to fall back down again today.

I DID IT AGAIN!

I consented.

I signed the consent form to the MSK Trial for Clinical Research.

I’ll do it, but hear me, this is it, I’m done. After this, no more.”

“Okay, Jan, I’m with you. I agree and will support your decision to quit after this.”

But all I could think was, What am I doing? Have I gone completely fucking insane? How could I let myself do this again? A fucking science experiment, a lab rat!

***

The view from above … boy did I lose it.

I let myself get lost and sucked into the personal mind’s drama and the global mind’s propaganda.

God, please help us see from your clear view above. From your perfectly balanced seat of movement and rest.