Yes, I admit, I know absolutely nothing when it comes to the
Truth of this Reality.
I have to recognize that each time I forget.
Otherwise, I am just deluded.
The persona, Janet, which I embody, seems to be a
mind/body/spirit complex Being who believes she is separate from What Always
But she’s Not separate in Actuality.
And that’s where the Knowing comes in. And this is how Knowing
showed up for me:
In February 2019 after my breast reconstruction surgery (post 2 years of “successful” breast cancer treatment), I began to have signals – feelings, big surges of desire for change, deep disappointment with my current state of affairs in every aspect.
It felt like an alien took over my body/mind complex and was
informing me to make major life changes. At times, I felt like I was having an
It really did feel alien, because I’m typically very
tolerant, an empathetic sort who deals with anger/judgmental emotions in a way
that sets the feelings aside through deep contemplation of how to engage
forgiveness and acceptance.
But this “alien” showed up and said in my head’s voice,
“Fuck this. I’m done. I can’t live like this anymore.”
I felt possessed. I couldn’t stop the feelings, and the
voice in my head was insistent.
This alien visitor (coincidentally?) appeared exactly at the
time I began experiencing pain in the breast reconstruction area…..
This pain presented as sharp, burning, electric jolts of
pain. This was in March directly after the February 25 surgery.
The alien informed me, “Get out of this marriage relationship
and run far away, free yourself from the family drama and incessant codependent
relationships you are witnessing. Leave
it all behind. Get a van, live in it,
and travel across county. Find out who you are.”
The alien voice further insisted, “It’s time to quit all
these yoga jobs. You’re running around like a chicken without a head, wasting
gas and time for piddling compensation, not to mention you’re exhausted. You no
longer feel inspired to teach yoga,
but required. And that’s not how you
used to feel.”
In April, the most grueling words I’ve ever felt forced to
voice somehow came out of my mouth, and I informed my husband of 30 years, “I
think we should separate from each other.”
Next, I gave my notice to 3 out 4 of my yoga employers. I would be taking a long term sabbatical from teaching yoga for personal/health reasons.
It was now May, and my pain turned into a visible rash on
the skin of my right breast. The doctors guessed, Shingles?
In June my radiation Oncologist saw my growing, worsening
rash, looked at me with a face of horror, and said, “I don’t think this is
shingles. You need a biopsy.”
During all of this, my husband and I talked, yelled, cried,
shared, but ultimately came to agreement that our relationship was worth
working at….. together.. .We agreed to hold on to the foundation of love
beneath all the dysfunctional and difficult stuff that has arisen.
Still experiencing burning pain, I couldn’t even keep the
one yoga job I had held onto, and I asked for time off due to the painful
On June 18, my husband’s birthday, I had a skin biopsy. The
result: Recurrent breast cancer in the skin.
In July, my PET scan result was: Inflammatory breast cancer
metastasized to skin.
In August, it was confirmed that my disease is stage 4,
incurable, and chemotherapy along with any eligibility for trials would be my
best option and hope for remission.
And so I contemplate ……..
- Did the “Alien” KNOW I had cancer before I did?
- Did the “Alien” inform my actions based on the KNOWLEDGE
that I needed healing through self love?
- Did the “Alien” show up as actual cancer cells to
bring me to my knees in surrender so that I could focus first on service to
self, which automatically will then develop into service to others?
I feel inclined to believe that this thing I refer to as the Alien is Life Itself (God).
Does that mean God is the cancer too? I think so.
And although in this realm we perceive what happens as good
or bad, this Alien Voice, Life Itself, God is NEUTRAL, but in Unseen Reality
the inevitable result is always for the highest good…… something we cannot perceive
And although Janet Alone cannot KNOW the highest good, when Connected
to Source she can allow what Life Itself intends to live through her.
Allow me to fulfill my purpose, whatever that may be.