Alone I know nothing

Yes, I admit, I know absolutely nothing when it comes to the Truth of this Reality.

I have to recognize that each time I forget.

Otherwise, I am just deluded.

The persona, Janet, which I embody, seems to be a mind/body/spirit complex Being who believes she is separate from What Always Is.

But she’s Not separate in Actuality.

And that’s where the Knowing comes in. And this is how Knowing showed up for me:

In February 2019 after my breast reconstruction surgery (post 2 years of “successful” breast cancer treatment), I began to have signals – feelings, big surges of desire for change, deep disappointment with my current state of affairs in every aspect.

It felt like an alien took over my body/mind complex and was informing me to make major life changes. At times, I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown.

It really did feel alien, because I’m typically very tolerant, an empathetic sort who deals with anger/judgmental emotions in a way that sets the feelings aside through deep contemplation of how to engage forgiveness and acceptance.

But this “alien” showed up and said in my head’s voice, “Fuck this. I’m done. I can’t live like this anymore.”

I felt possessed. I couldn’t stop the feelings, and the voice in my head was insistent.

This alien visitor (coincidentally?) appeared exactly at the time I began experiencing pain in the breast reconstruction area…..

This pain presented as sharp, burning, electric jolts of pain. This was in March directly after the February 25 surgery.

The alien informed me, “Get out of this marriage relationship and run far away, free yourself from the family drama and incessant codependent relationships you are witnessing.  Leave it all behind.  Get a van, live in it, and travel across county. Find out who you are.”

The alien voice further insisted, “It’s time to quit all these yoga jobs. You’re running around like a chicken without a head, wasting gas and time for piddling compensation, not to mention you’re exhausted. You no longer feel inspired to teach yoga, but required. And that’s not how you used to feel.”

I listened.

In April, the most grueling words I’ve ever felt forced to voice somehow came out of my mouth, and I informed my husband of 30 years, “I think we should separate from each other.”

Next, I gave my notice to 3 out 4 of my yoga employers. I would be taking a long term sabbatical from teaching yoga for personal/health reasons.

It was now May, and my pain turned into a visible rash on the skin of my right breast. The doctors guessed, Shingles?

In June my radiation Oncologist saw my growing, worsening rash, looked at me with a face of horror, and said, “I don’t think this is shingles. You need a biopsy.”

During all of this, my husband and I talked, yelled, cried, shared, but ultimately came to agreement that our relationship was worth working at….. together.. .We agreed to hold on to the foundation of love beneath all the dysfunctional and difficult stuff that has arisen.

Still experiencing burning pain, I couldn’t even keep the one yoga job I had held onto, and I asked for time off due to the painful rash. 

On June 18, my husband’s birthday, I had a skin biopsy. The result: Recurrent breast cancer in the skin.

In July, my PET scan result was: Inflammatory breast cancer metastasized to skin.

In August, it was confirmed that my disease is stage 4, incurable, and chemotherapy along with any eligibility for trials would be my best option and hope for remission.

And so I contemplate ……..

  • Did the “Alien” KNOW I had cancer before I did?
  • Did the “Alien” inform my actions based on the KNOWLEDGE that I needed healing through self love?
  • Did the “Alien” show up as actual cancer cells to bring me to my knees in surrender so that I could focus first on service to self, which automatically will then develop into service to others?

I feel inclined to believe that this thing I refer to as the Alien is Life Itself (God).

Does that mean God is the cancer too? I think so.

And although in this realm we perceive what happens as good or bad, this Alien Voice, Life Itself, God is NEUTRAL, but in Unseen Reality the inevitable result is always for the highest good…… something we cannot perceive or know.

And although Janet Alone cannot KNOW the highest good, when Connected to Source she can allow what Life Itself intends to live through her.

 Today’s prayer:

 Allow me to fulfill my purpose, whatever that may be.

The Word is not That

As human beings, I sense that our commonality of experience can be summed up as a deeply suppressed sense that something is dreadfully wrong about this existence. I think this “sense” hovers in a part of our mind that we’ve mostly forgotten to recognize, but sometimes, for some of us; it awakens and shows itself again.

But I am not referring to the “something wrong” that takes the form of the ego’s compulsion to desire something other than what is actually happening in the moment. It’s actually something deeper than that superficial desire to control the outcome of our actions, and deeper than the realization that we actually cannot control the seen and unseen consequences of our actions.

I am referring to a deep inner knowledge that this existence we consciously perceive is constructed on a foundation of complete insanity. I am referring to an innate recognition of an overbearing “untruth” about this realm of existence regardless of your world view and your social/psychological/emotional indoctrination.

The very realization of one’s existence, the moment we are consciously aware of being a living being, it is the “birth” of a miraculous individual lifeform, and the lifeform’s individuality is an instinctual right to be unique and free to BE as it was created to BE. Of course, we don’t know what the lifeform was “created to BE” but we do know that IT exists. I AM is the only utterance close to truth.

Every single being that can say I AM was “created to BE” and each individual lifeform exists with the same instinctual right to be unique and free to be as it was created to BE.
At least this is a simple idea we can ALL agree upon.

The word “Natural” seems appropriate here.

Our natural inherent instinctual right is to be what we naturally are.

But not knowing what we actually are resulted in the creation of some insane beliefs to hide that deep sense that something is dreadfully wrong.

Believing in the idea that an authority outside us and above us is required to rule our actions has created and enabled the insanity of such things as slavery, political cabals/government, creation of financial debt, legalized violence/war, power by force, legalized theft/taxation, formalized religion).

You do not need an outside authority to govern your actions unless you have been conditioned to believe that you do. You were created with the innate ability to discern Ahimsa (no harm).

This innate ability has been conditioned out of us through our continued belief and agreement to abide in a state of being that is NOT free.

As Liz Cronkhite describes it (I’m paraphrasing), “the moment the idea of NOT GOD entered the One Mind, it was undone.” But in Time it appears to be happening again and again and again. So we are experiencing NOT GOD in Time, which is possible because of Infinite Potential, but NOT True.

The perpetual human condition of slavery is ever so present in our continued belief and acceptance of present day “masters” (political leaders/government, money/ debt creation, power to control others by force, and legally accepted violence in all forms. (Violence means murder, not self-defense)

True Anarchy is the natural and free state of being.

Anarchy does NOT mean without rules, without order; it does NOT mean chaos and disorder, it does NOT mean no laws.

It is translated as Without (an) Masters (archon).

No masters meaning no slaves.

Krishnamurti’s expression here is way better than my feeble attempt: