Joy and Sadness

Sometimes I go into the bathroom to bury my face into the bath towel

So I can sob without being heard

This SADNESS

It’s a strange thing.

Why am I feeling it so strongly?

What is sadness?

Perhaps without sadness we could never really know JOY.

I’ll go with that.

I’ll take the high road.

The gift of knowing real joy.

As hard as it is to swallow that you’re more near death than you were before

the blessing comes in it’s gift of growing closer to God.

And the people in your life.

Who you care so much about.

To know it’s time to tell them how you really feel.

How much you love them.

Regardless of the pain or anguish they may have brought into your lives.

It’s time.

To feel the sadness with all your heart.

So that you can enJOY the experiences you have left with loved ones.

I really know that now.

The angels are hovering over me to help me see it clearly.

It’s the Love God gave You to find within You and joyously share with others

Everything else is really all bullshit.

I pray for the Strength to fully Be that Being of Light.

God’s Voice

The long ride home

after the news

a knowing arose within me

that I had to finally face life

as it IS

in order to fully face death

was it coincidence our granddaughter arrived for her summer visit

precisely on the day I would learn that my body was failing?

I doubt it

Divine, it’s all divine timing

Her 13-year-old innocence brought a needed distraction

She would sit in the front seat with Papa

so I could sit in the back

(and quietly cry to myself)

Until God spoke to me

Listen to me and open your heart to my Loving Guidance

That’s when His Voice came through

In the songs

on Briana’s I-phone playlist coming through the car speakers

Each song with it’s own profound message for me to hear

WE ARE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY, SHINE LIKE A DIAMOND

Yes, I know, dear God, I know, but how often I forget

THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME FOR ….. YOU, YOU, YOUUUUU

I guess so, for You to Live through me and teach me how to BE MySelf

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO?

Oh, I am willing now, to face my life AS IT IS. To stop the trivial nonsense of self judgements and expectations, to end the obsessive desire to control, and to BE HERE for all that arises in my path and offer my full self to IT.

JUST WANNA KEEP CALLING YOUR NAME ‘TIL YOU COME BACK HOME

I hear you, sweet Lord. I am ready when you will have me back.

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE

SHINE A LIGHT THROUGH AN OPEN DOOR

This place is pretty bleak, even among all it’s natural beauty, we humans have fucked it up royally, haven’t we? Yet we still find LOVE when we open our hearts and allow Your Light to shine through

I smiled to myself,

God’s Voice is Everywhere

True Blue, raspberry tincture

Medical marijuana ramblings at 2 AM

Is this what it feels like to live in your head? God, get me the Fuck out of here.

This is not my mind, is it? I must be F-ing crazy. I roll over a thousand times pulling the sheets with me, and my darn cat plopped on my legs gets tossed from side to side.

Lord, have Mercy on me. Lord, have mercy on me. Lord, have mercy on me.

What were the best moments?

A million run through me. Like moving pictures.

And then all the faces. Every one of them I’ve ever known or seen.

LORD, teach me to pray. LORD, teach me to pray. LORD, teach me to pray.

Sitting on my mat I pray, There I am. In my picture mind. In my beauty.

Om namah shivaya, gurave. Sat chit ananda, murtaye. Nichprapanjaya shantaya. Nira lambaya tejase. Ohm. Ohm. Ohm.

Have I gone crazy? Maybe I’ve always been.

Please God, teach me to pray.

Then I see his face.

For who he truly is.

Not God, but my relationships here on earth. All the male ones. And then the female ones too.

And their words replay in my mind’s ear. And I am able to hear through the words.

LORD, let me remember the peace that surpaseth all understanding.

And I realize all that I heard. It was the same calling. From every one of those faces, every one of them.

All saying the same thing:

I WANT TO SHINE AND BE BEAUTIFUL. IF EVEN FOR A MOMENT.

Why?, I ask.

BECAUSE I WANT TO BE LOVED.

and like Angels, one day, they do.

Be the diamond

The video below is such a beautiful articulation of our relationship to the Creator.

This is not a plug for any particular esoteric belief system, it just happens to speak volumes to what my own experience is when I actually place my attention on “Being the Diamond” or as I’ve stated in my own way as Being Love.

I’m sharing this podcast to extend that shine, and inspire others to practice knowing their own perfection in Connection with the Creator.

There are so many gems to hear if you can listen for 48 minutes. Here are just a few:

Video time around 17:21:

‘“Anything that is not that diamond; that is NOT you”

(i.e.; our egoic self – 5-sense-controlled personal self is NOT that diamond, but instead it is the evil/sinner, false belief in separation from God, the opponent)

“My job is to identify what is NOT the diamond and remove it from my life”

22:24:  “Why do we have shame? Because we forgot the Creator

26:18 “The process is the purpose.”

On a personal note, tomorrow I start my “first” chemo treatment in 5 months of being on chemo holiday; this comes after a 33 day round of intense proton therapy radiation. I am laughging at the idea of it being my “first” chemo treatment; after all, I’ve had a total of 52 chemo infusions in the past 3-1/2 years.

However, this idea about Being the Diamond has shined a light on this experience that was not visible to me before …

Every moment is “the first” and potentially “the last” in which we have a choice … how will I learn/experience/grow/give/love and recognize my infinite potential of becoming the diamond?

Dear God, help me to remember to Be the Diamond. This prayer will be with me all day tomorrow. And I pray, to be with me in each and every moment ….

being love

“One of the best definitions which I have come across is that which defines evolution as “the unfolding of a continually increasing power to respond.”
― Alice A. Bailey, The Consciousness of the Atom

Finding myself in a place that feels like I’ve grown/evolved/changed in so many ways. Yet there’s an awareness that knows it’s somehow happening for reasons I can’t possibly understand. My neighbor, who was recently diagnosed with leukemia takes long walks with me when she’s home from her treatments. She is very religious, and during our walk today she shared something with me.

She said, “Sometimes our suffering is for someone else’s sake.”

I may have heard this before, but today it resonated more deeply. Not in a religious way. But in a way that affirmed that this Life Experience is beyond our limited knowledge of human existence.

Recently, I’ve had strong feelings/intuitions/awareness of my choice in every situation/relationship/communication with others of how to respond/behave/communicate.

It is NOT for my own sake. Because there is no my own.

I AM an expression of God’s Love. God is radiant, and It’s power is in the expansion of It’s Infinite Potentiality to show it’s True Nature.

I am Here to Be that (Love) for the other. In turn, it will expand and reflect Itself back to me. And how beautifully peaceful it feels when one recognizes that Truth and experiences it’s manifestations in the material world.

That means even through pain and illness and suffering, I am Here to Be that (Love) for the other.

I wish I had a more eloquent way of expressing this idea. But more importantly, I hope to remember to respond as if I know it is my purpose in life.

my prayer song

(sung to music from Give Me Love, George Harrison)

speak through me

help me see

through this heavy veil                              

free my mind

keep me kind

show me how to love

Let me serve

teach me truth, in this crazy world

feeling lost, it’s so dark that my

spirit dies      

Om m m m m m m m m m m
M m m my lord …

Please pry open my eyes so

I might truly see   

Oh yes See, oh yes See

forgive me    

forgive us     

let us live our truth  

teach us how           

to be free,     

keep us without fear           

learning to,

Hear your voice, in this noisy world   

learning to, trust and know You through

Love and Light        

Om m m m m m m m mm

M m m my lord …

knowledge

Today’s contemplation …

Step 115: Today I will listen to the Power of Knowledge: Upon the hour, remind yourself to listen to Knowledge and take a moment to do so in whatever circumstance you find yourself. Steps to Knowledge, Marshall Vian Summers

I’ve begun to realize that Knowledge is always available. When we remove ourselves from the incessant wanting (desire) to possess something that is impossible to grasp (Absolute Truth), the pointers are in everything that IS.

Upon becoming still and open-hearted, placing one’s attention on receiving (hearing, seeing, feeling), IT presents Itself in infinite forms.

I don’t claim any religious belief as the only way, and I don’t claim any intellectual belief as the only way. In fact, I don’t claim any belief as “the way.”

Perhaps that’s one of my pitfalls to Knowledge. I’m open to everything that invokes Wisdom (knowledge).

Today, I found Wisdom in both of these seemingly opposing perspectives; a Neoplatonist and an Hasidic rabbi. Knowledge is found in infinite forms – always pointing to the same Truth.

(entirety of talks are linked below the quotations)

“Some people only study physical phenomena. They slice it up and stick it in a microscope and that’s all they know. That’s all well and fine, but a true rounded person is interested in the totality of cosmic mechanics, what is and what is not, and how the universe works – is interested, as the greatest and wisest minds were, definitively, undeniably, interested in both physics and metaphysics, which are in totality a holos, just a one. You know a coin is not a head or a tail, it’s the coin and the silver of the coin, so these are not two different things.” 

Ken Wheeler

“Love is a tricky word. We don’t need to be told to love ourselves, we need to be told to share some of the love we have for ourselves. That’s the whole code of morality. You love yourself, can you give a little away? All your natural instincts are not meant for you . That is a huge lesson in life.

***   We are taught that study is extremely important, why?  So then you can teach. Even studying is not for yourself it’s so you can teach. Knowledge, information, wisdom, very important because then you can share it. Get yourself healthy, so you can turn your attention to others.

Rabbi Manis Friedman

heart cloud photo credit: Annette Adams

unlocked

Today’s Contemplation:

is your heart and mind like a locked box?

are old beliefs locked inside and new beliefs locked out?

what if you could unlock your heart and mind?

allowing the old conditioned ideas to be released

accepting the possibility that those ideas/beliefs were never really true

Now new ideas and possibilities can enter

Leave the lock off

Leave the box open

Now the hearts True Voice can be deciphered.

Now the mind is open to resonate with the heart

the heart’s innate ability is to choose each action in the present moment without attachment to outcome

Today’s Prayer:

Creator of Life Itself

I open my heart and mind to your True Voice

I offer my ignorance up to You and humbly request your True Wisdom

to inform my action in the present moment

Help me to remember to leave the lock off

Unlock my heart and mind

To receive your Infinite Presence and Truth

And to serve Life through That Wisdom

Show me the way to serve in each moment

I’ve unlocked the box for YOU to enter

the word

The issue of freedom is very important so we can embrace the right or lose it. Where the mind is concerned, I opted many years ago to drop out of the mainstream world and later to get rid of my TV. I only listen to the classical radio station which is now commercial-free in my area and I don’t subscribe to any newspapers or magazines. Still, how can I know when my mind is perceiving, when it is thinking, and when it is merely regurgitating? For instance, if I tell you the world is round, I have no personal skills that qualify me to such an opinion. I am therefore merely reflecting what is accepted as truth in today’s world but this same mind might have subscribed to the flat earth theory hundreds of years ago. For instance, I can see an image of the Earth from a satellite or look at an antique map. Depending on the images shown to my mind and the text accompanying the images, I form my understanding, but the fact is still that without any personal experience, I can only reflect what my mind has memorized. Exactly how a mind retains knowledge is unimportant in this context. The knowledge itself is simply not original and can only be authenticated by reference to consensus.

Ingrid Naiman

I recognized a long time ago, that nothing we actually say is true.

The “word” is a representation, a copy, a symbol, of Sound, Vibration, Frequency.

This recognition has often left me

disappointed … confused … appalled … disgusted … frustrated

and sometimes this recognition has evoked

liberation … joy … enlightenment … inspiration

As I write this, the light has appeared, it is no longer nighttime (I’ve been up since 4 AM). Something woke me, and said:

Janet, you know the Truth. Yes, there appears to be evil (dark) and good (light) and yin (cool) and yang (hot) and everything in between.

And still, I AM is the only Reality – infinitely – no beginning, no end.

Every time you forget this, STOP, BE STILL, FEEL your breath, inhale all the suffering, pain, ignorance, evil and then exhale FORGIVENESS, LOVE, COMPASSION for all humanity.

And another day begins …..