Last week I went Christmas shopping. Having purchased not a single gift up till now, this was a huge endeavor seven days prior to the holiday. But I braved the 17–degree temps.
Probably not too wise of a decision.
I thought, I should be nurturing my immune-compromised blood levels during “week-off” chemotherapy
But I’m resolute; I gotta bring gifts for the grandkids and family members.
My habituated determination …. I recognize it. It’s laughable. Hard to change lifetime convictions.
Thankfully, the opposite pole of persistence arose simultaneously, and the desire to self-nurture endured.
A 30-minute drive to Milford, PA ahead, I decided to lose myself in a podcast. Its auspicious title beckoned my attention, “The Search for Enlightenment” by Rupert Spira.
Kind of ridiculous having heard this talk a gazillion times in every imaginable form – from Nisargadata to Ramana to Krishnamurti to Adyashanti ad infinitum …. As if I might hear something new.
Unexpectedly, Mr. Spira’s articulation on this topic smashed my heart open – in an exceptionally beautiful, frigid, sun beaming off icicle moment on a country road in Northeastern PA.
Perhaps my lowering WBC count assisted in opening my heart a little deeper this time?
I bawled like a puppy for her mother. You know when you’re alone in the car, and you can sob so loud it hurts?
Ranks right up there with an incredible orgasm.
Here’s the part that broke the dam of uncontrollable tears:
Rupert: You’ve recognized that who you essentially are now is ever-present, never hurt or tarnished by experience, never disturbed, it needs nothing.
What more do you want?
Questioner: (I can’t trust that the wanting will stop)
Rupert: What are you wanting?
If you have found that in yourself which is inherently peaceful and has no sense of lack, what are you lacking?
Questioner: (There’s nothing I lack)
Rupert: The wanting will only stop when you recognize that you ARE what you WANT.
The Anusara invocation I have chanted for a decade reverberated in my heart, and I recalled how near this knowledge is, how it has remained engrained in my heart.
Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I honor God, the Nature of Being, The Teacher within. Satchidananda Murtaye: ITS essence is Truth, Consciousness, and Bliss. Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: IT is always present and full of peace. Niralambaya Tejase: It is completely free and radiates from the heart with a divine luster.
The only moments that I feel truly at ease, peaceful, maybe even blissful (Ananda) is when I remember (re-know) the Truth (Sat) about the illusive quality of perception in the “world”.
What you believe, so shall you perceive. That’s about as close as one can get to a spiritual truth.
All the anxiety, indecision, depression, angst, fear …. yes, it’s real because I can FEEL it.
But when I crack open my knowing heart, and remember the Truth of I AM, or GOD IS, or disbelieve the separation (duality), a soft wave of peacefulness returns to the center of the chest.
“When a teacher of God first learns that he or she is the dreamer of the dream they are still attached to the dream and are tempted to use their growing awareness of Reality to change the dream to suit their individual dream figure desires instead of to awaken. This is an attempt at a compromise where the dreamer tries to have the power of the dreamer while still being a figure in the dream, but in the end this will fail because a dream is not real; it will always leave the dreamer feeling empty, and seeking for wholeness. Only awakening from the dream will make the dreamer feel whole again. Through awakening the dreamer’s experience of the dream does improve, but only because the dreamer realizes that it is a dream.
Instant, in Which the teacher of God steps out of time for a moment to be with
God, is the greatest tool that he or she has to undo the dream of time. In that
Instant time is over; there is no dream. The more a teacher of God practices
the Holy Instant, and lives in the present with the Presence of the Holy
Spirit, the less time means to him or her. The dream recedes in value and
importance, and the experience of the Holy Instant becomes more compelling to
the teacher of God than anything in time.
In essence, time is the dreamer living the one instant of not-God/undoing not-God over and over again, but in the midst of time this takes so many forms it is almost impossible to see. The teacher of God, however, begins to see it the more he or she experiences the Holy Instant. They begin to see the nothingness of the dream, and how silly it is to give it weight and to take it seriously. All that has happened is a thought that can never be reality. There is really nothing to forgive because nothing real has happened. God is.” A Course in Miracles