Alone I know nothing

Yes, I admit, I know absolutely nothing when it comes to the Truth of this Reality.

I have to recognize that each time I forget.

Otherwise, I am just deluded.

The persona, Janet, which I embody, seems to be a mind/body/spirit complex Being who believes she is separate from What Always Is.

But she’s Not separate in Actuality.

And that’s where the Knowing comes in. And this is how Knowing showed up for me:

In February 2019 after my breast reconstruction surgery (post 2 years of “successful” breast cancer treatment), I began to have signals – feelings, big surges of desire for change, deep disappointment with my current state of affairs in every aspect.

It felt like an alien took over my body/mind complex and was informing me to make major life changes. At times, I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown.

It really did feel alien, because I’m typically very tolerant, an empathetic sort who deals with anger/judgmental emotions in a way that sets the feelings aside through deep contemplation of how to engage forgiveness and acceptance.

But this “alien” showed up and said in my head’s voice, “Fuck this. I’m done. I can’t live like this anymore.”

I felt possessed. I couldn’t stop the feelings, and the voice in my head was insistent.

This alien visitor (coincidentally?) appeared exactly at the time I began experiencing pain in the breast reconstruction area…..

This pain presented as sharp, burning, electric jolts of pain. This was in March directly after the February 25 surgery.

The alien informed me, “Get out of this marriage relationship and run far away, free yourself from the family drama and incessant codependent relationships you are witnessing.  Leave it all behind.  Get a van, live in it, and travel across county. Find out who you are.”

The alien voice further insisted, “It’s time to quit all these yoga jobs. You’re running around like a chicken without a head, wasting gas and time for piddling compensation, not to mention you’re exhausted. You no longer feel inspired to teach yoga, but required. And that’s not how you used to feel.”

I listened.

In April, the most grueling words I’ve ever felt forced to voice somehow came out of my mouth, and I informed my husband of 30 years, “I think we should separate from each other.”

Next, I gave my notice to 3 out 4 of my yoga employers. I would be taking a long term sabbatical from teaching yoga for personal/health reasons.

It was now May, and my pain turned into a visible rash on the skin of my right breast. The doctors guessed, Shingles?

In June my radiation Oncologist saw my growing, worsening rash, looked at me with a face of horror, and said, “I don’t think this is shingles. You need a biopsy.”

During all of this, my husband and I talked, yelled, cried, shared, but ultimately came to agreement that our relationship was worth working at….. together.. .We agreed to hold on to the foundation of love beneath all the dysfunctional and difficult stuff that has arisen.

Still experiencing burning pain, I couldn’t even keep the one yoga job I had held onto, and I asked for time off due to the painful rash. 

On June 18, my husband’s birthday, I had a skin biopsy. The result: Recurrent breast cancer in the skin.

In July, my PET scan result was: Inflammatory breast cancer metastasized to skin.

In August, it was confirmed that my disease is stage 4, incurable, and chemotherapy along with any eligibility for trials would be my best option and hope for remission.

And so I contemplate ……..

  • Did the “Alien” KNOW I had cancer before I did?
  • Did the “Alien” inform my actions based on the KNOWLEDGE that I needed healing through self love?
  • Did the “Alien” show up as actual cancer cells to bring me to my knees in surrender so that I could focus first on service to self, which automatically will then develop into service to others?

I feel inclined to believe that this thing I refer to as the Alien is Life Itself (God).

Does that mean God is the cancer too? I think so.

And although in this realm we perceive what happens as good or bad, this Alien Voice, Life Itself, God is NEUTRAL, but in Unseen Reality the inevitable result is always for the highest good…… something we cannot perceive or know.

And although Janet Alone cannot KNOW the highest good, when Connected to Source she can allow what Life Itself intends to live through her.

 Today’s prayer:

 Allow me to fulfill my purpose, whatever that may be.

An Idea leaves not its Source

“We know that an idea leaves not its source.

And death is the result of the thought we call the ego, as surely as life is the result of the Thought of God.”   from A Course in Miracles, Ch. 19

From Merriam-Webster: Definition of IDEA:

1a : a transcendent entity that is a real pattern of which existing things are imperfect representations

2 archaic :a visible representation of a conception :a replica of a pattern

3a obsolete: an image recalled by memory

b:an indefinite or unformed conception

c: an entity (such as a thought, concept, sensation, or image) actually or potentially present to consciousness

There is so much the mind can be confused about!!

I think Nisargadatta expresses that perfectly: “Do understand that the mind has its limits: to go beyond, you must consent to silence.

Having breast cancer (or any dis-ease that is causing undesirable body changes) is a fascinating way to watch one’s mind look for answers as to what “to do” about it.

For me, its been an experiment in watching my mind oscillate between

This was caused by my mind, and it will be healed by my mind

to ‘maybe this chemo thing was a mistake’

to ‘maybe the chemotherapy has value since the scientific community has been spending zillions of dollars studying it

to ‘If I am what I eat, how did i get sick when I eat organic and healthy food?’

Not one of these thoughts really feels completely accurate or helpful or even vaguely true to me. Because I don’t really know what the body even is.

Is the ego the body’s Source?

Is God the ego’s Source?

Isn’t God everything’s Source?

I think so. And that would make our mind and body an IDEA in God’s mind!!

It seems like we’re separate from Source, but we never actually left.

If God (or whatever name you choose for Source) is the only Truth – the only One Idea that Exists, then every other potential idea, even God’s opposite (not-God) is possible as an idea to believe in – even if it’s NOT true. (like the illusion of Time)

I need to look even deeper, in silence. And the question arises, ‘What is this “body” really?’

I find this interesting response …..

“The initiates of old warned their disciples that an image is not a reality but merely the objectification of a subjective idea. The image, of the gods were not designed to be objects of worship but were to be regarded merely as emblems or reminders of invisible powers and principles. Similarly, the body of man must not be considered as the individual but only as the house of the individual, in the same manner that the temple was the House of God. In a state of grossness and perversion man’s body is the tomb or prison of a divine principle; in a state of unfoldment and regeneration it is the House or Sanctuary of the Deity by whose creative powers it was fashioned. “Personality is suspended upon a thread from the nature of Being,” declares the secret work. Man is essentially a permanent and immortal principle; only his bodies pass through the cycle of birth and death. The immortal is the reality; the mortal is the unreality. During each period of earth life, reality thus dwells in unreality, to be liberated from it temporarily by death and permanently by illumination.

THE SECRET TEACHINGS OF ALL AGES  by Manly P. Hall [1928, copyright not renewed]

Posted Image: Annie Cavanagh, Wellcome Images

They look like little cinnamon candies here, but they’re actually the most common type of blood cell in the human body – red blood cells (RBCs). These biconcave-shaped cells have the tall task of carrying oxygen to our entire body; in women there are about 4 to 5 million RBCs per microliter (cubic millimeter) of blood and about 5 to 6 million in men. People who live at higher altitudes have even more RBCs because of the low oxygen levels in their environment.